“what are you looking at?”

“What are you looking at?” I casually asked her for the first time, just like I’ve known her for a lifetime. Maybe I said that so casually because of my grotesque habit of not taking people seriously. She was looking down to the shop I usually get food from everyday. Her face lit up as her eyes met mine. Those deep blue-greenish eyes. And she hugged me. It’s this particular hug that I remember and I will never forget: very firm, like she truly meant it, and shaky. I could feel her body shaking at the time she hugged me. Honestly, I thought she was a child and at that moment I simply couldn’t think I could actually enjoy spending time with her. I was trying to waste some time… Then we grabbed a few drinks. I can’t really tell if it was the booze that made the things be as it followed. We had such a great time. She sat next to me on the bench even though there was a seat just in front of me. I felt very intimate, very unusual for me. I could feel she was so gentle, touching my hands with her shaky touch. i thought I was making her nervous but soon I realized it was not the case. Almost 12 o’clock, my friends call me and are letting me know that they’re waiting for me at the club. “Are you gonna ditch me at 12 o’clock?” she asked like a child. “Of course not.” I lied. At this point, I truly wanted her to go with me but she didn’t have an ID. However, I asked her to go with me even though I knew damn well the bouncers would not let her in. I told her to just use her ID and to our surprise it worked. I don’t recall everything that happened that night but all I know is that we both had a great time even though I was a jerk and left her without saying goodbye. It was not my intention, but anyways. Next day I wake up and I didn’t even think about her. All I knew was that I had a lot to study so I packed everything and went on to the public library. As soon as I sit something strikes me. It was her. I had a strange feeling, almost like a craving, which again is very unusual for me, to just see her. So I texted her and she came to see me in no time. As soon as I saw her face my legs went soft. I almost felt sick from my stomach. There she was again, this little shaky girl, small hands, curly hair, and deep-Mediterranean sea blue eyes. I just felt happy having her around. I felt comfortable and wanted and I would not notice anything around but her. We walked around for some time. Sunny, mild weather, New York, and her. Then she went to meet her friends. We agreed to meet each other the next day for coffee. The rest of the day was as if my mind just left my body. I could not concentrate and I literally didn’t know what I was doing. The next day came but this time, this particular morning she was on my mind. All I knew was that I wanted to meet her right away. It was a wonderful day in New York and I waited for her in the park, reading a book. We spent some time in the park, looking each other in the eyes, kissing, hugging. I could feel every shaky bit of her body and I adored every single part of it. I felt she carved something so deep into my soul, something that I would never get back. I only had eyes for her. We stopped by a fancy terrace and we sat by the window because I knew the sun would light up her eyes even more and it melt my heart. I won’t forget that image of her and the sunlight on her face any time soon. Then we just wandered on the beautiful streets. The warm light was flooding all of the buildings in Soho and everything seemed even more fascinating but I think it was her that was making this day become a fantasy for me. I held her hand. She held my arm and we would kiss at every stop light. And then we got to China town where everything got messier and the landscape was not that friendly anymore. “I think it’s time for me to go.” she said all of a sudden. I felt sick again. It was like a nausea. I couldn’t believe this day could’ve come to an actual end. I would just not accept it… I was absolutely horrified as we were walking towards the subway station, somewhere dirty and smelly. There we were, finally saying goodbye. I can’t recall everything I told her but with anything that I have told her, deep down I know there is immeasurably more left inside than what comes out in words. I was looking on her left and right, my face close to her, not being able to look her in the eye. She grabbed my face and told me to look at her and all I remember are her eyes which now were a color that was burning my soul, like everything around was burning more and more just because of her eyes. It’s that image, her eyes, that followed me as I left and she left. By the time I turned around to take another longing glance at her she was already gone. Now, everyday I go to buy food I look for her at the place we met and, from far away, I think it’s her. But it’s not. It’s just a security lady who looks down to the shop looking for someone that wants to steal something. Maybe a heart…  

new york 2020

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